Conspiracy theory
I think my mother is conspiring against me... every holiday she gives me all the cookies, cakes and pies that are left over from our dinners and gifts. Every Thanks Giving.... Every Christmas.... Every Easter ..... and I always walk away thinking - "oh mom, she is so sweet, I love her so much... how kind of this lovely woman to hand over her cherished sweets and yummy goodness to her eldest daughter" Well this year I worked too damn hard to loose weight, this year I was on a proper plan, a great diet, a nutritious way of living and lost 20 whole pounds (as opposed to those pesky half pounds)!... three weeks after Christmas during my second layer of sugar sprinkled cookies, a box of chocolate covered pretzels, half a chocolate mouse pie... and seven pounds gained later, it dawns on me, the light switch in my head went on ... she is doing this on purpose! I am carrying her seven extra pounds, this is her extra butt... her extra muffin top! That sweet lovely woman made me fatter so she would not be! I'm on to you MOTHER... You'll have to find another sucker to shovel those delicious sweets into there mouths...
speaking of that ... there is half a pie left... that little bit can't really hurt can it? ;)
speaking of that ... there is half a pie left... that little bit can't really hurt can it? ;)
posted by sassafrascal
15 Comments:
Hi my name is Ray and I was interested in applying for the new sucker position that has recently opened up in lieu of Ms. Sharon Griffiths resignation.I am fully capable of consuming sweets, cookies.....umm cookies....cakes,candies,party favours, the occasional leftovers dwelling in the realm of holidays goodness and most things covered in powdered sugar!
I am 100% reliable regarding the consumption rate and even offer pickup at my own expense!
You can reach me at partyonmytastebuds@aol.com
or simply fax over a descision to your eldest daughter at your convienence!
Thank You for any consideration givin.
Damn - I've been caught.... Well you can forget returning the butt and the muffin top - I have already acquired new ones of my own.... and Ray - your resume sounds very impressive - you strike me as a sincere young man -let me check out your references and get back to you on Valentines Day... :~)
Do NOT believe the applicant above... he appears to be reliable and considerate. BUT He will charm you out of your candies and sell them on the corner of 3rd and Bakers Ave. He is a baked dough hudlum and a skittle pusher! His Gold tooth is actually a yellow M&M! He sells lick a stick in little baggies with NO STICK! For god's sake what ever you do, do not give him your sweets!
Thank You Ms. Griffiths for your consideration Valentines Day sound like a wonderful option.
As for the remark above, it was proven in a court of candy..( located in South Candyland) that:
I was, at the time, working as an undercover agent for The Mars Corp. investigating illegal sales of Snickerdoodles just south of Lollipop Lane; hence the M&M tooth and the bags upon bags of lick-a-stick WITHOUT sticks....( there were diabetics invovled we had to consider ).
There seems to be some underlying agression that Sharon seems to be displaying that leads me to consider that maybe she is having second thoughts on her inital descision. Whilst considering my application I would also like to offer that precedent be givin to Sharon in the event that she does in fact change her mind.
Thank You!
oh you are a smooth talker Mr. Lemon Head (yes I know your street name!)... I happen to know first hand you were caught in the Sour Patch behind the elementary school with a Pez Dispensor divvying out freebies to lure the young children!
Well that is simply preposterous I tell you and speaking of streetnames ( Senorita Sourpatch )you know of no such wheelings and dealings because in fact there were none to begin with!
Wait! aren't you the gal who was arrested for stealing Ding Dongs from a local Wawa in Marmora years ago?
I seem to recall reading you put up quite a fight with the arresting officer.
What can I say - I was having a bad day and he messed with my Ding Dong... I'm sure you'd put up quite a fight to if he messed with your ding dong!
I think you both need a sugar fix.... I recommend that you both converge on the nearest WAWA and stock up on some candy cigarettes...
But.....but they don't light when you use matches on them!
Now does this sound like the blog of 2 people that should be playing with matches???
Oh don't worry i won't let Sharon play with them.....( secretly she's a pyro ya know almost burnt down the boardwalk when she was 17 )....plus I'm older than she is.
You're only older in age... I am much more mature ;)
As for the candy cigs - they smell very sweet when you light them.
Nu-uh!
"...and so concludes another exciting chapter in the blogging world of one Sharon Higgiboom I can't find my argile socks Griffiths.Tune in next time to see more feverish debates and to find out whether or not candy cigs are indeed flammable."
The End and God Bless
Ray - You really are funny - your application made me laugh until I cried.... You have a great sense of humor...
Til we meet again...
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