Quitting time

It's officially time to Quit smoking... the rest of my attempts have been practice. I don't want Quinn to know his mom as a smoker. Today I snuck off and had a cigarette while Quinn was playing, if I see him look over in my direction I just hide the cigarette behind me... I looked away to stomp out my cigarette, this time he saw me do that and came running over and began to stomp out my already stomped out cigarette like a pro, with the little foot twist and all. There's my wake up call... I always said I would stop before he would understand what I was running off alone to do... he's figured me out! So as of 12am tonight after my four smokes in my pack are gone, I will be a non smoker. And it's about time too, I hate feeling so weak minded... I'm not a weak person... so why does this get me? I think stress is the reason some people can't quit successfully and others can, I worry a lot, which causes me to light up. Actually stress has been effecting many thing in my life lately, I'm not being myself and acting down right silly at times... over thinking and over analyizing shit that I have no control over anyway, so why bother? Sometimes the logical answer is not always the first that pops in my head... but I eventually get there :) Anyway If I can get a handle on myself and muster up some will power I know I can quit... I am woman here me roar, right? ... meeeeoooow, hmmmm, we'll have to work on that. Thank you Ray for supplying the lovely imagry as a reminder :)

Anyway I just have to remind myself that I want to live, it's that simple.

Look in the right bar for my progress. >>>>>>

nO tIMe tO cRy

Last night I just needed to cry... women reading this will understand the "Quarterly cry" men have probably already stopped reading by now lol... Every three months or so I just have to let it all out... the frustrations, anger, disappointment and stress that has built up. Not to say there haven't been happy quarters too... I bust out in joyous laughter as often as possible, but last night I needed to sit on my bed with a box of tissues and drown my sorrows. But for the first time there was no time. I stood in the kitchen and swelled up for about 45 seconds, threw a cup, said the f word a few times, (even that I could not do as properly and with as much umph and gusto as I wanted! ) then got back to work. I don't even have the time to have a proper break down! Who knows maybe that's a blessing ;) Now I wonder if my quarterly cry is still there and I need to schedule an appointment for it... I can just image my date book now... 5pm dentist appointment, 6pm dinner, 6:30pm exercise, 7pm bath, 7:30pm cry, 8pm clean, 9pm Quinn's nightly temper tantrum, 10pm bed.

Uggg I need some sleep, which is another story!

yucky day

Last week Quinn and I had such a beautiful Saturday at the park that I tried to recreate it.... It didn't work. It was the most disgustingly sticky, sweaty afternoon ever... Today I learned that Quinn sweats from the back of his head, It's damn near impossible to go down a slide while sweating, Quinn does not like the taste of spiders, always check your shoes for frogs before putting your feet in them, that landscapers will ride around on their lawnmowers for 45 minutes giving you the evil eye until you pack up and leave, and mulch does not feel good when thrown in your eye (my eye, I usually don't throw mulch in Quinn's eyes), or when it ends up in your diaper... (His diaper, I wasn't wearing one today)

Sick day? What a faker!

I panic when I pick up the telephone at work and hear ... " hi, this is so and so from Day care" Quinn had a case of the up chucks today so he needed to go home. I didn't even finish my morning coffee yet. Right now we're testing out our tummy ability with some applesauce and a pop tart. He seems to have his appetite which is a really good sign. Maybe it was his morning oatmeal that just didn't sit right with him. He's chipper and dancing around the house so we'll just call this a nice rainy day off for the two of us.

Update - What a faker! I know I put my mother through hell with sneaking out, playing sick, skipping school, leaving town for days, and I'm sure many other lovely things she could list off the top of her head. BUT I was a defiant teenager. Quinn is not yet two and he just played me for sick! He's been having the time of his life, it's like a snow day for him... last I checked he was running around with a hamper on his head bumping into walls and laughing hysterically! And he ate a new breakfast since he tossed his cookies on the first, then ate his lunch, then ate MY LUNCH! I know that he didn't fake up chucking his breakfast but his little "too freakin smart for a two year old" brain I'm sure has figured out the meaning of "the sick day"

I pray to God he is not like I was as a child...

MoMMy aNd Me

Saturday's are "mommy and me" days since Tony is usually working. It's nice because I don't get a whole lot of time with Quinn being a working mom and all. Today I went for a short trip to wawa for coffee and ended up having a two hour picnic with Quinn at the playground. I have a secret park that I love to go to with him because nobody knows about it. Occasionally some of the neighbors in the area are there but not often so we can take our shoes off and have run of the place. It's not a big place and just has a few swings and slides, more like a person's backyard really, but it's just enough for a two year old. I just happened to have a red blanket in the car and bought lunch at wawa. After a quiet lunch, we walked through the wooded area and learned "tree", "leaf", "butterfly", "stick" and "bird" . Tree was his favorite, they had freshly planted small trees there, Quinn was trying to pull them out of the ground. When I said "be nice" and pet the tree to show him that they were alive and needed to be treated gently he looked at me like I was absolutely crazy then proceeded to hug and pet the tree like it was our cat. It's amazing to me how accepting kids are even when his little mind tells him that there is no way this thing is alive, I mean where is the fur "duhhh mom". I do wish that I had another child for Quinn to play with on these days... he's such a social kid. All though he appreciated my effort of playing swords with a few sticks I think he'd love some other kids being around that he knows and likes. I'm giving some serious thought to the "big sister" program.

Ok well, boring blog - just my thoughts.

LICE!!!!!

NNNNNNNoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooo - deep breath - ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

We got the note,there is a child with Lice at day care. Oh god I'm itching already! I can't stop scratching!

I did a head search and I don't see any, maybe I have sympathy itches? ahhh , I'm just glad Quinn wasn't the kid, ya know...

a day for the records

For lunch today I took GQ to the pediatrician. I think he has a urinary track infection. Instead of eating and reading a good book I held a cup under my sons winky for 15 minutes. Doctors orders. And wouldn't you know he never peed. I undress him for a bath every night and the little squirt (literally) draws on my floor with his pee. I have learned to remove the diaper immediately before entering the water! So at the doctors he's standing on the child table thing just trying to figure out what the hell I was doing. Then he made a game out of it, he'd grab the cup and try to shove his Franks and beans in it. All the while the doctor is just standing there asking me over and over "did he go yet" I wanted to scream "yeah he went, I'm just holding the cup here for the fun of it." So needless to say he never went and was perturbed when I would not let him try and drink from the cup. The doctor gave us a bag to put around Mr. Winky while he sleeps. The only trouble she says it the adhesive is very strong and you'll have to pull it off his "area" YEAH FUCKING RIGHT. There is no way I am pulling strong adhesive of his peter piper... I'd scar him for life! so if your reading this and it's around 8pm you know I am following my naked son around with a cup held under his kadoddles... Stop laughing!

PART TWO: After work I went and had two cavities filled, I told the doctor I had to have laughing gas. They were a little annoyed to have to go get the scubba diving tanks for only one needle, but alas I am a chicken shit. I watched these nim rods try and put together the laughing gas tanks for twenty minutes! I was hearing expressions like "lefty loosy, righty tighy" then "maybe it's empty" fifteen minutes later " do you think it's empty" Good lord and these people are going to drill my teeth open? Any way the moral of this story... laughing gas is the SHIT! I never even felt the needle. The nurse laughed at me because when the doctor stepped out to do something and turned the nitrogen tank down I panicked and said " he will turn this back up before the needle right" she said " Honey you already got the needle"

Oh and during the laughing gas phaze, I was in a sponge bob episode!

Ok well I now have to go prepair the cup. I'll have to break out the mop.

road surfing

I stopped taking Chantix (stop smoking meds) because I didn't realize my refills were at Zero... then I had to wait for the doctors appointment to get the new prescription which took a week. In the mean time I have been smoking like a chimney! It's like I had to catch up with all the smokes I didn't have, that coupled with a bit of anxiety.

Any who the point of this blog, one of the side effects of Chantix is Dreams, cool side effect! I took my first pill yesterday morning and last night I had a dream that I was a speed racer. I had to go out and get dog food so I was running down the street but my momentum kept picking up and I was speeding down the street faster than cars (which of course there were non of) and I had a trail behind me! then I was surfing on the street by jumping on cardboard boxes and sliding down the road... all of this made me hungry so of course I had a picnic on the medium in the middle of the road with a few friends, where the dog food also was! HA my dream even wrapped up nicely with the dog food. And that's just a portion of the dream, the rest just made no damn sense at all...

I can't wait to see what I dream tonight :)

Shop Till You Drop.

Every year or so my mother and sister take me out shopping and beat the lady back into me... I hate to shop and I hate even more to dress up. I'm not sure why, I think I just prefer to not be noticed. Like the background effect. But at the same time my "frump wear" can kinda get me down. So the annual shopping trip snuck up on me yesterday... after seven hours of dressing rooms and coffee I now have "lady wear", dresses, skirts, tops, shoes, lady garments (hehe), and jewelry, I even have a toe ring now!

I'm not used to it though, I feel very uncomfortable in it but I'm going to try anyway. Because I'm getting lost in frump.

Oh yeah and I dyed my hair... of course that's not new, I love doing that! I thought about going light red but I stuck with the chestnut brown. I have to keep it back right now because it's so Gothic looking, which is cool but not at 32, it will fade in about a week, hopefully.

Friendship

Have you ever thought that you've offended someone but you're not sure how... I have a very bad habit of babbling when I talk especially if I don't know a person very well, what ever thought I have just spills out of my mouth whether it's relative to the conversation or not. I'm never really sure what I've said when I look back because honestly who remembers babble? So now I wonder, did some odd insult pop out of my mouth? If it did I don't remember.

It's no secret to me that I have the socializing skills of a wet sock. Which is part of the reason why I keep my nose in a book. The other part is that I usually meet other people with the personality of a wet sock! But every once in a while I try and reach out and it's disheartening when it doesn't work.