home is where you hang your hat?

What if you have no hat?

Well the move is complete... I haven't wanted to blog or even talk about it because it's been an emotional ride... Quinn is utterly confused and to tell the truth so am I.

At first it felt like I was visiting this place... and felt very homesick for the sounds of my dogs, cats, neighbors... I am starting to get use to being here but it's not home yet. I'm not sure it ever will be. Something feels incomplete. I mean it is apartment living... it's like I am starting all over again. From the first time you move from your parents house. but now I have this little person depending on me to make all the right choices and moves.

Quinn seems to like the place as a novelty. But when he gets cranky or tired he throws a new level of tantrums that I can only assume are "homesick" tantrums. And he's having a difficult time with leaving one parent to be with another. Which I guess is a hard thing for any broken family.

Lately I have been thinking how long would it take for me to save money for the deposit of a new home? which seems virtually impossible in the state of New Jersey! If I wasn't so ingrained in this state I'd leave in a heartbeat.

The apartment is a good first step, but I need a home. I want a home. privacy... the ability to have my dog and my cats... a back yard... I'll have to do a lot of savings for that, and look into some first time home buyer programs... even then I don't think I could afford the damn taxes around here.

Right now I just need to focus and make sure Quinn is ok and try to get him settled and happy and in the mean time I'll work on making and saving that money.

Ray... still wanna write children's books? I'll illustrate...hopefully... my creative ability seems to be shut down for repairs also. But I'll work on that.

Exploring Emotions

I am an emotional person, that is something I have accepted within myself. At first I thought it was a flaw within my character but lately I have learned that I prefer it... people that are steady, that always keep their composure, that seem to always have that calmness within them... well I wonder if they are missing out. I feel sadness at it's extreme but I also feel happiness at it's most extreme ... and I don't think I would want to change that, I am beginning to feel that its a blessing to be able to "feel".

Lately I have noticed that Quinn is picking up on this fact... the other day he heard me make a sound... I wasn't looking at him so he gently reached over and put his hand on my cheek and turned me to face him... at first I thought he was playing but when he turned my face to him so that he could look me in the eye....he searched my face... it took me a moment to realize he was looking for my emotion... we looked at each other for a few moments because I was confused as to what he was searching for... he looked at me with much older eyes then I had expected a two year old could have... he looked so concerned, so worried. When I realized he was looking for what emotion I was feeling, a tear, a smile, a grimace... I smiled at him... he paused for a moment and explored my smile... then he smiled back, satisfied with my emotion and turned back to what he was doing and acted like the two year old I know him to be.

Maybe I am an emotional mom, but I am so proud that Quinn is the type of child that can pick up on that and feel such concern. I will always try to hide any sadness I feel or fears I have but I know now that Quinn is an extremely perceptive child and maybe his concern is also a blessing with in his character.

It’s amazing what a small child can teach you when you most need it…

Moving

Next week I will be moving. Tony and I have talked about this for a long time, sometimes arguing other times heart to hearts. We've known for quite a while that we would one day separate but the question has always been what is the best timing for Quinn? We've had two age groups in mind 2 and 5 years old... two because we wanted him to be young when the separation happened so that it would hopefully just be a hazy memory if even that rather then a traumatic blow when he is old enough to fully understand. And five because we wanted to wait until we stopped paying daycare costs... Which is almost 700 to 800 a month!

My move day is next Friday... I seem to be consumed right now over this... with fear, excitement, nervousness, sorrow, worry... I can't concentrate at work and I can't sit still at home. I feel it is time to go but I keep thinking what if I should have waited until Quinn was Five. I'm not good at making decisions and I second guess myself all the time so until this move happens I am a reck! I either come home giddy or crying... it's crazy! Tony on the other hand is very calm... I can't tell where he is in all this but I am pretty sure that sometimes the thought makes him giddy and sometimes he wants to cry, I suppose all break-ups go this way. The sadness of change and the excitement of change.

I had the opportunity to move within a minute from my job... and that was a HUGE calling to me since I have been driving about two hours a day for four years... but that would have meant changing Quinn's daycare. I didn't realize how much that thought was eating at me until I started looking at other daycares, it just felt wrong... He is so confident at his daycare. He walks around like he owns the place, and he has made very important little relationships with his teachers and friends, "his crew". He thinks of that place as a second home and a second family. This is going to be a big change for him and I want something to stay the same, so no matter how confused he is with the move he will still be able to go to school and feel that calmness he gets from routine and familiar faces. So I back tracked and changed my move to "his" area... now I will live within two minutes from his daycare... and this will be a big plus for Tony too... it keeps his routine some what "normal" also, and gives him a lot more flexibility with his time with Quinn and odd work schedule.

My whole goal is to make this as painless as possible and with as little change as possible... knowing that Quinn will still have his routine and still be close to his daddy and mommy is a big relief to me and has erased so many of my stresses about this move... now my only real worry is budgeting correctly... I don't have a lot of room for error. I've become accustomed to having two incomes, this will be a kick in the ass.

Superbowl

I know nothing about football nor do I care, Tony on the other hand has an all to common facination with everything football. Which cracks me becuase when we first met he said "I'm not really into sports". That is a question I ask right off the bat. That and "are you a musician"

anywho as I was half asleep on the couch, through my half slits of eyes I see Quinn staring at the TV watching the game... I heard these words over and over AND OVER for each play...

"one two eeee DOOOOO ....... where da ball.... where da ball.... dare it isssss ..... utoh ..... are you ok?......"

Next play, repeat above. I have a feeling quinn will "not really be into sports" too.

I caught some of the commercials, the dancing lizards to Michael Jackson's Thriller was cute.